Monday, December 19, 2011

Santa and his Hos

I’ve always been envious of Santa Claus. What a sweet deal. He works one night a year making deliveries and spends the rest of his time kicked back in the easy chair delegating activities to his “little people.” You may have heard them referred to as elves, but they could just as easily be called dwarfs or a midgets, except no one uses the term midgets any more unless they are speaking of a peculiar wrestling match or an even more peculiar porn video.
Legend has it that these industrious little folks manufacture and package toys and other goodies for Santa’s annual run. They are also responsible for reading the majority of the incoming mail, the exception being letters from naughty girls. Those are routed directly to Santa’s most private quarters, where even Mrs. Claus is not allowed to enter.
Technology has come a long way at the North Pole. The electronic games, toys, and gadgets that he delivers today are a far cry from the cap guns and mute dolls of my childhood. The information age and world wide web have made it easier to track our individual behavior. Now, he can simple read someone’s Facebook page, check their tweets, or scan their emails for incriminating evidence.
Just imagine Santa sitting in front of his computer smoking a bowl (Oops, I mean his pipe) deciding who makes the “A” list and who gets the jigsaw puzzle of a white cow in a snowstorm. The good news is Santa has a forgiving nature and he’s never actually been known to bring anyone a bundle of switches unless they specifically requested them in the aforementioned letters.
Knowing that he can’t be everywhere at once, I applied for a Santa position at a local mall. This would be my way of helping the Big Guy while making a little jingle of my own. Who wouldn’t want to hire me? My belly fills out the suit, I have gray hair and beard, I can be jolly and make people smile, and I look good in red.
Everything was going great during the interview until I asked about the Hos. Why does Santa have only three? Another thing that bothered me was the impersonal nature in which he refers to them. Surely they have names. How hard could it be to memorize Betty, Mildred, and Wanda?
The interviewer stared at me expressionless for what seemed like an eternity. Then she leaned over and in a very low voice whispered, “I’m sure you’d make an exceptional Santa. So good in fact, that I’m afraid you’re over-qualified.”
I was a little disappointed, but didn’t let it dampen my holiday spirit. On my way out I turned to all the would-be Santas in the waiting room and roared, “Betty, Mildred, Wanda and a M-e-r-r-y Christmas to all!”


  1. Russell, I love your view of the world. Before reading this, I'd have never thought of "switches" being a request pulled from Santa's secret stash of naughty girl letters. Nor, would I have thought "ho, ho, ho" was an abbreviation. No wonder Santa always sounds so happy when he says it. Thanks (again) for a laugh to start my day!

  2. It's not a coincidence that the naughty girls get diamonds and the good girls get a coffee pot.

    Naughty boys,on the other hand, get half a can of malt liquor and some moldy pretzels. That's tough to swallow--believe me!

  3. Russell, you are naughty, but I think you'd have made a very nice Santa. They just didn't know what they were missing. Everyone would have been laughing so hard no one could have been depressed over shopping and cooking and cleaning and...

  4. Ho Ho Ho, Russell! I can't believe you didn't get the job. Some people just don't understand humor. Thanks for the laugh.

  5. Thanks for your support Velda & Ruth. I'll be sure an list you as references on my application next time.

    Jack, what can I say? Christmas just brings out the jolly old elf in me!

  6. Haha, very funny Russell! Yeah, like Jan I'm thinking of those switches in an entirely different light now.